We all usually start well, going out of our way to think of our new love, to please & surprise and enjoy them. But living together and having to sort out differences, juggle work (and traffic, chores, family, pets & bills)- all these cause normal arguments and deadlocks. How many of us learned how to have a good disagreement where we really listen to the other person’s complaint, understand their feelings, even consider that maybe I too have some faults?

The most basic pattern I see in couples starting marital counseling is that of defensive countering. That is, one person brings up a complaint and the other responds with his/her own complaint. (“would you take the trash out, I’m sick and tired of having to remind you” and the counter is “well you don’t ever….”). Nothing gets resolved and the end result is that both people feel totally unheard.

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Good sleep is extremely important for physical health but also to help decrease anxiety, depression and stress. If you look at symptoms of all three of these states, you will see sleep disruption as one of the prominent symptoms of depression and anxiety. Sleep routines and sleep “hygiene”- that’s a ridiculous name for the planning/structure you use to get good sleep so I’m banning that term- often seem inconsequential until you experience disrupted sleep or insomnia. Trying to focus, drive and work or study when exhausted is quite miserable.

If you want an overview of how daylight, dark and sleep are all intertwined, read up on circadian rhythms. (https://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-topics/what-circadian-rhythm) I will highlight a few important points as basics to getting decent rest.

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The seasons of peace, love and generosity are often filled with conflict, bitterness and selfishness (and yes, even greed). This is particularly evident in many families who have been through divorce and now have to adapt to dividing the holidays between two (or more) extended families. It all begins with intense longing to have a wonderful, joyful family experience. One that may help alleviate some of the pain of the divorce or of past childhood losses. Each parent (and grandparent) has their own personal image of how this should look and feel. And traditions are a deep part of these wishes. But the reality of two families means they have to figure out when the children will be with which parent on what days. And that reality re-ignites the sadness and guilt about the their children having to experience divorce.

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If you have never been part of a stepfamily, you may not realize that September and October are the start of days and nights of tension and dread for blended familes. Parents and their partners begin the negotiating and haggling (also known as “planning”) that must be done for all the fall and winter holidays.

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Eating or not eating in reaction to stress creates health and weight problems and doesn’t solve the emotional, behavioral and relationship problems underlying your eating patterns. It’s actually not as complicated as it sounds to start changing how you eat and to get off the “on a diet-off the diet” pattern.

• Do you eat out of boredom? Or tension?
• When you are not hungry?
• Do you frequently go on diets to lose weight, then regain the weight?
• Feel self-conscious about your body?
• Find yourself constantly thinking about food and weight?
• Skip meals and under eat because you are afraid you will gain weight?
• Do you sometimes eat compulsively (especially junk foods), then later berate yourself?

From the Stay Happily Married web site:

No matter how many “Happy Holidays” wishes you receive, the season can be just as stressful as it is enjoyable, and that stress can be even greater if you’re part of a blended family. Does shuffling the kids from one home to another feel too disruptive? Does it seem impossible to meet everyone’s vision of that perfect Christmas morning?

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From the Stay Happily Married web site:

If you’re a part of a blended family, you know how complicated things can be, especially when you’re starting out. Are you having trouble relating to your new stepchildren? Do you just not feel as much like a family as you expected? Barbara Keyworth joins us to discuss the things that can cause tension in a newly blended family, and shares tips for making the transition a smooth one.

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